Installment Four: Saga of the Search for Speedy Internet

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• by Lizann Flatt
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 If you haven’t already, go read Introduction, One, Two, and Three first. Really. It’ll make your whole experience reading this so much better. Honest.

So systems at BCC (Big Communications Corporation) went down earlier in the day and my request couldn’t be processed. I had to call back later. It’s now later…

It’s evening. Hubby has the hockey game on and I’m thinking, yawn, might as well make use of the time, so I call BCC. I go through the spiel, which I’m getting mighty damn good at by now, give my identifying info, and the guy asks am I sure I don’t want the portable and I try not to yell:

IT WON’T WORK!!! Trust me!!!

So okay then, he explains the rural setup. I say, “Great–sign me up!” He takes my info, and mentions he can hear the hockey game in the background.

I tell him the score.

He says, “Oh, I want Pittsburg to win.”

So does my hubby. It’s a tie so I offer to keep him updated. He says he has to put me on hold to process my order.

I know the drill. LOUD classical music in one ear. LOUD NHL in the other. I hold my breath thinking that sure, there’ll be some other server malfunction or something with all my luck.

Finally he comes back and says it’s all set. He’s explaining the next steps when whoever Pittsburg is playing scores to win with like 30 seconds left. Hubby curses LOUDLY. I tell the guy on the phone that on the slim chance he didn’t catch that swearing in the background, Pittsburg just lost. He’s bummed. Finishes the order and says have a nice day. I wish him the same.

 But I get a call the next day for my technician appointment, just like I was promised. Set one up. Okay, all’s proceeding well.

Technician arrival day arrives. I get home after dropping kids off at school (daughter 2 had biking in gym class and needed her bike at school). I say good morning to technician guy who pretty much immediately says, “You’re not going to like me much.”

Crap. Not a good start.

He says he’s not finding any signal. No signal at all. Nada. Squat. Zilch.

Hmmm, I think, maybe that would explain why the other damn modem wouldn’t work? But I digress.

“So,” he says, “have you ever thought about the mobile stick?”

I say I had but have never tried one. He says he has one on the computer in his truck and why don’t we fire it up and test out the signal. Right-ee-o then. Let’s do it.

So he turns on his machine and waits. And waits. “This isn’t a good sign,” he says. Some window comes up, he connects to the internet, and we wait. The page is loading…and loading.

Damn, this looks like dialup!

“Unfortunately,” he says, “this isn’t really worth it for you. It’s fairly expensive and you’re not getting much improvement. And it probably wouldn’t even be as good inside.”

I can’t argue with that now, can I? Can I just cry instead?

But I’m reluctant to leave it on the total downer that obviously I am only good enough for dialup, or doomed to drop a serious chunk of change on a satellite system. So I ask him why then can the guy up the road have DSL and not me?

He says, “Well, this is hard to explain” but then goes into a really vivid and clear explanation of what a loaded line is and what a loader does so that even a techno pleeb like me gets it.

“But what if I happen to know, or have a pretty good idea, that I’m NOT on a loaded line even though BCC thinks I am?” I ask. I then explain that a couple years ago a dad of a friend of my daughter’s checked out my phone and said it was not on a loaded line but that we were listed in the database as being on one. I did call customer service at that time and asked them to send someone out to check that officially, that I’d PAY them for the trip, but of course nothing ever happened. I just had no idea what to do from there.

“Well, let’s test that out,” he says. And he pulls out a meter and sticks it into my phone junction box and fiddles with it and finally reads the readout. “Humph, you’re right,” he says. “It’s not loaded.”

Woohoo! … Now what?

He’s thinking. He literally scratches his head. “This is going to require a lot of jumping through hoops,” he says.

Why am I not surprised? But I’ll do it! Anything! I practically plead.

He can’t install that system, it has to be done by someone else and it all has to be approved and all, he says. He will phone his sales person and see what we come up as on The System. It’ll take a few minutes.

So I go inside. Unload the dishwasher. He rings the doorbell.

He’s found that we are listed as being on a loaded line on an unknown cable from their sales office. “Are you far from Smalltown?” he asks. “Is it like more than 8 km or anything?”

Uh, no. I am under 3km. Besides, I’m no farther away from it than the dudes up the road who DO have highspeed. All right, so I’m too wimpy to have actually verbalized that last sentence.

He says he’ll put a call in to his supervisor about what to do now. He’ll be back in a minute.

So I return to my stuff. He comes back. Wow.

What we have to do now is gather all the info, find out what cable I’m on, and if there are any neighbours who have DSL that would help, he tells me. Then that info will have to go “up the food chain,” he says, “because they can’t just give you DSL because Max says you can have it.” He’s Max, btw. He says the whole thing could take up to a month and is that okay? It’s not going to be overnight.

“Max,” I think, “I’ve been on dialup for 7 YEARS and if this doesn’t work out, doing time on dialup is apparently all I’ve got to look forward to anyway, so SURE!” And actually, I do have my neighbours’ with DSL phone numbers because I’ve looked into that before. I give him a few names plus numbers. He says that’s a good start and he’ll look into it.

Um, sorry for being skeptical, but I’ve been left hanging with the “I’ll get back to you” line on this issue from all sorts of sources MORE TIMES THAN I CARE TO COUNT! I smile my hopefully most winningest smile and say, “Um, is it possible to get someone’s number I could call if I haven’t heard anything in a month?”

He thinks and then says okay. He gives me a number. Says please don’t pass that on and give them time to look into it.

I swear I will. And I WILL!!! Wild dogs couldn’t drag it outta me!!!

So he leaves. I have no better service. But I have Hope!

Then that afternoon I get a phone call. It’s Max. He says he’s found I’m on cable 400whateverpointwhatever and it is indeed the same one on which my neighbours have DSL.

Did he just say THE SAME ONE on which my NEIGHBOURS HAVE DSL!?!?! Holy! But I get ahold of myself. It means nada, squat, zilch for now.

He says all this information has been passed “up the food chain” and we’ll wait to see what happens now.

Oh. My. God.

So I waited.

Would I ever be deemed worthy of attaining the tantalizing and heady online speeds that dangled just out of my reach? What was the judgment from the internet granting powers that be? That’s best told in another installment.

And so I remained
ever still
a techno peasant.

[Go to Installment Five]

Installment Three: Saga of the Search for Speedy Internet

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• by Lizann Flatt
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Wait! First go read Introduction, and Installments One and Two. Seriously. Do it.

Catch up: I’m trying to return a portable internet modem.

So the next day I call in, and give the whole damned spiel about needing to return my portable piece o’ plastic poo otherwise known as a portable internet modem in favour of getting the rural internet setup.

The guy asks me if I tried–
“Yes!!!” I probably cut him off.

But I calmly explain I was told I could get the rural instead so please tell me about that. So he says he has to process my return kit. He gets some info from me, clicks some keys, and says can he put me on hold. I say sure, and am subjected to LOUD classical music.

He comes back and says okay, the return’s on its way, now we can order the rural service. So he takes down more information and says can he put me on hold. I am tempted to say no just to see what sort of havoc that would wreak but resist the impulse.

Once again, yes, LOUD classical music assaults my ear. I wait and wait and wait. Then he comes back and says sorry for the wait and he has bad news.

I’m thinking, like what? The internet gods said I wasn’t worthy????

He says their orders processing server went down for maintenance and my order wasn’t processed, it has nothing to do with me or anything, and can I call back in a couple hours.

Uh, sure.
At least he didn’t promise to call *me* back.

So I remained,
a techno peasant

[Go to Installment Four]

Installment Two: Saga of the Search for Speedy Internet

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• by Lizann Flatt
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(Go back and read Introduction and One first. Seriously.)

The saga of my quest for better than dialup continues….and I swear I’m not making any of this up.

Remember how we left off with the gal going to phone me back to see which service I’d like, the portable internet or rural internet? Guess what?

She never called back.

So the next day I called back. Of course it was an entirely new person and I went through the spiel of where I was at, saying I wanted to go with the rural modem. He started to talk me into portable, saying it was better: I could take it wherever I went, and it was faster than rural.

I paraphrase, but essentially express that frankly I could care less about taking it with me, it’s here that I need the damned thing to work. And, well, how fast is rural anyway?

He says 2mbps.

I think, “Buddy, that’s fast–I’m on DIALUP. Get it?!?!”

But he says to try the modem and he goes away to activate it. LOUD classical music blares into my ear. He comes back and says okay, plug it in now. He’s so full of anticipation I can feel it through the phone. “What’s it doing now?” he asks.

“The same endless tracking back and forth,” I reply.

Then he asks me to plug in my computer. I say, “Well, I already packed all those cords up again but okay, I’ll go unfurl everything and plug it into my computer.”

Then he says, “What’s it doing now?”

The same thing: Endlessly. Tracking. Back and forth.

So he says to try the northwest corner of my house.

“I already did that,” I say. “But I’ll do it again if it’ll make you feel better.” Okay, so I didn’t actually speak that last sentence. I sure as hell thought it. So there I am trying the same damn rooms in my house again. “Are you supposed to wait while I do this?” I ask.

“Sort of,” he says.

So there’s no change in the endlessly tracking green lights after two locales. He says to try all the rooms in my house and he’ll call back in a bit.

Um, yeah, sure. Whatever. So I hang up politely. I try the other couple rooms again just for the helluvit and to be a good sport and of course there’s no difference.

Does he call back?

Nope.

So I remained,
a techno peasant.

[Go to Installment Three]

Saga of the Search for Speedy Internet: Installment One

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• by Lizann Flatt
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I’ve already set up the background to my endless quest for better-than-dialup in my introduction to this sorry saga. And note that while I could have gone the satellite route, that was definitely an absolute last and worst case scenario. I was holding out for better.

It all began in mid April 2009. I decided that part of my problem was that I was an Unknown to Big Communications Corporation (BCC) responsible for doling out internet services. I’d been getting my dialup from an independent company and perhaps it was time I showed myself up on BCC’s radar. So I decided to do just that. I drove 20 minutes to the BCC store to sign up for their damned dialup.

After waiting for my turn, I explained I wanted to sign up for their dialup service. Guy asks me if I wouldn’t rather have something else. I couldn’t help thinking, well Duh, but you won’t let me. I express my doubts about my eligibility, but he takes my phone number and punches it in and says, “Well, um, yeah, that’s right. Dialup.”

No, really? Forgive my brain for dripping with sarcasm. Anyway, the guy then tells me they don’t do that (sign you up for dialup) anymore at the store. He hands me a business card with a phone number scrawled on the back and says call this number.

So I drive home.

I call. And I get connected overseas. I listen really hard to the spiel about levels of dialup service and pick one. The guy is very nice and trying hard to be helpful. But then the guy asks me don’t I want faster service than that?

Hell yeah, but you people keep telling me I can’t have anything else!!!

Guy says, “No, you can have [redacted name of portable wireless service that may or may not start with ‘W’].”

So I ask if he’s sure about that. He says, “Well, you get cell service right? You use a cell phone?”

Yes, we do.

He says, “Then sure you can have it, no problem.” He goes through the spiel on those service and price levels and I waffle a bit, think, then say well okay then, send it on over. What the crap am I waffling for??? (Did I mention I hate making snap decisions?)

So it arrives. I am too busy to deal with it that day. The next day I pull the big ugly modem out of the box and plug it in according to the directions in the lovely setup booklet. I carefully align the modem with the logo side facing in and the back towards a window.  I plug it in to the electric outlet and I hold my breath and wait. No signal. Endless blinking of the green lights as they track back and forth looking for a signal. Book says to try another room in the house.

So I do.
All of them!!! Except the damn bathrooms.
Nothing. Big plastic piece o’ poo!!!

I get on the phone to find out how to return the damn thing and get my 99 bucks back. The lady says she’ll look me up to find my closest tower.

I’m like, why? But what the hell, I wait. I wait more. She puts me on hold. Some really LOUD classical music tries to calm me down or something. She comes back and says the tower is towards the northeast corner of my house.

Like I know where that is??!!

Okay, so I figure it out after a moment. I go up and try, with her on the line. I had already tried this room but I’ll try the other window, which involves moving furniture to find an electrical outlet. Did I mention hubby is out? Anyway, I plug it in. We wait. I watch the lights track back and forth endlessly once again.

So then she says, “Well, you could try rural internet instead if you want.”

HUNH??? Why do I get all these options all of a sudden???

But I ask, “What is that?” Apparently it’s a modem they stick on the outside of your house and a cable goes inside to your computer and the technician doesn’t leave until it’s working or you don’t have to pay for it. That’s a few more coins a month, of course. Figures. But she says no problem, I can get it, cause I’m 5km from the tower and you have to be within 15km.

So I waffle, I think, and did I mention I hate being pressured for a snap decision–any decision? So I asked her to tell me about the service and she goes away to process something like the credit for my current piece o’ poo and I listen to some really LOUD classical music. All of a sudden she comes back and says while she’s looking into my account she realizes that my modem won’t work because it hasn’t been activated, and do I want her to activate it.

Did I mention I hate making decisions under pressure? So I ask her which service is better, rural or the portable thing I have that might yet possibly maybe but no guarantee work if it’s activated. She says the rural is better because it’s faster. But seems to me I recall choosing the slower of the two portable options I could have chosen and now I’m so damn confused I can’t think straight.

Oh, and the girls are now having a fight about the chess game they are attempting to play incorrectly.

And I’m just behaving like an airhead. So she offers to call me tomorrow and see what I want. Thank god.

So I remained a techno peasant.

[Go to Installment Two]